Need a place to live? Crash with Cupcake and her stupid dog!

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You don’t have to own a purple hoodie to live with us, but it helps.

Want to live in Logan Square, but don’t want to have to sell your plasma to make rent? Always wanted to live in an “emerging neighborhood” before it becomes overrun with whiskey-taco bars and jogging strollers, but not keen on getting shot in the face? Welcome to Avondale, mon frere. Let’s be roommates.

You can see this ad on Craigslist, and you can email me letting me know a bit about yourself to see if we’d be a good fit. Read on for my entire life fucking story.

NITTY GRITTY:

 

-Looking for one roommate for an apartment just north of Logan Square in Avondale, at Drake and Milwaukee. Stone’s throw from the Milwaukee bus and half a mile from the Belmont and Logan Square Blue Line stops. The rent is $400 a month. Gas & electricity & internet not included, but relatively cheap.

-One time security deposit is $600, which you would almost certainly get back; our landlord is really laid back.

-Flexible July 1st or August 1st move-in date. My current roommate wants to move in with her boo, but will not move out until I find someone new. You would be able to move some stuff into the apartment prior to the first.

-You would have your own room (which easily fits a queen size bed), a separate walk in closet, and share a bathroom with me. We have free laundry in the basement, but no dishwasher. There’s a ton of room in the living room for furniture that you may or may not have.

-We’re in walking distance of an insanely cheap liquor store with a good craft beer selection, a mercado, Foodsmart, a Simpson’s-themed dive bar, soon-to-be-opened coffee and sandwich shops, and an awesome Polish store that will satisfy all your sausage and cheese needs. Tony’s Finer Foods is a short bike ride away. Logan Square-the actual square, with the Illinois Centennial Monument-is only a 10-15 minute walk.

-Incredibly bike-friendly location since we’re right off Milwaukee. It takes me about a half hour to commute downtown every morning. 

-Our lease is month to month, with the caveat that we need to provide 60 days notice and that we can’t move out November-February. I am looking for someone who is willing to stay until at least spring.

-You would be living with one roommate (me, Cupcake) and one dog (mine, Fixie).

THE BACKGROUND STORY:

I’m a 26 year old bike kid who works at a bank full-time. I could live alone if I needed to, but I prefer a roommate so that I can still afford fancy cocktails, tattoos, sneakers, and candy.

I enjoy drawing, squatting on my kitchen floor working on my bike listening to punk rock and drinking cheap beer, painting my nails in elaborate patterns, grilling in the backyard, hanging out on the stoop, and cooking dinner for me and my boyfriend while getting stoned and watching cartoons.

LIVING WITH ME:

If you want me to clean the sink out or be quieter when I wake up in the morning, instead of sending passive-aggressive psychic death rays at me you’ll say “Hey, can you be a little quieter when you wake up in the morning?” and I’ll say “No problem, you should have said something sooner, sorry, dude.” Then we high-five. 

I like to cook for people and do it well. I’m an omnivore with a wide palate, but I’m respectful of food sensitivities/restrictions/allergies/etc. I own a vast array of kitchen gear you’d be welcome to use, from standards like a Kitchenaid to esoteric appliances like a Indian wet-grinder.

I like to think of myself as a little-messy-but-not-filthy. I try to buckle down once a week and make the apartment a wonderful lovely place to live, but in the meantime there may be the odd mess here and there. Ideally you would not be incredibly anal about cleanliness, but also believe that our lives are so much nicer when there isn’t a crust of scum on every surface and chip in to keep the bathroom/kitchen/living room clean. I will probably never even see the inside of your room, so you can go buck nutty in there.

I have learned that if I don’t spend a couple nights a week home cooking, cleaning, sleeping, and doing laundry, I very quickly turn into a malnourished, sleep deprived ragamuffin shambling about in filthy rags like an extra from a Dickens joint. The rest of the time you can find me drinking $5 liters of Żywiec at Staropolska, feeling incredibly old at hardcore shows in dirty basements, or plotting to take over the world with my bike gang ( tinyfixbikegang.com). Preferably, you also have an active social life so that we can both have occassional alone time in the apartment. If you need an apartment to play Halo in the middle of the living room 24/7, this is maybe a bad fit for you.

We’re both adults and ideally we’re both getting some. The apartment is large, but it’s not a soundproof bunker. I promise to throw on a fan and some Barry White when it’s my turn, and be a mature adult about it when it’s your turn, if you promise to do the same. 

If you’re a girl, awesome. If you’re a dude, well, I’m kind of a dude too, so it works.

I won’t judge you for bringing someone home at 5am, just try to keep the jungle noises to a minimum. I’m queer-friendly, vegan-friendly, bike-friendly, just all around friendly, actually. I will not call the narcs on you.

Like every single one of these ads says, “we don’t have to be best friends” but I’ll probably make you a friendship bracelet anyway.

THE DOG:

My dog Fixie weighs 8 pounds, which means he’s about the size of a shaved cat. He’s mostly housetrained, never bites in anger, doesn’t mess up furniture, and is heartbreakingly cute. He is not a dumb yip-yip Chihuahua, he is a stone-cold little gangster. I’m not going to pretend he’s not a dog-though he will be 110% my responsibility you might have to not leave the front door wide open for hours or your priceless limited edition sneakers where he can nibble them-but he really is very well behaved. Your bedroom will be a dog-free zone, no problem.

If you have pet/s, we can arrange a date where we can see how desperate they are to murder/hump each other, and possibly work out an arrangement where we share some of the caretaking responsibilities for the little dudes and thereby make both our lives easier.

HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?

Write me an email and we’ll grab a beer/coffee/chocolate milk/kombucha-kale-shake and see if we click. If so, let’s live together.

1 Comment

  • Elizabeth June 4, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    This is the best apartment/roommate ad I’ve ever seen.

    Reply

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